6 Nearly Tragic And Stupid Incidents You Never Thought Could Be Caused By Pokemon GO

By Simba The Comic King

PokeMon GO is the craze that has taken over the world, the new Candy Crush or is Candy Crush the old PokeMon GO? {Crickets } Whatever the answer may be to that amazingly insignificant question all we know is that it has taken over the world like a technological Ebola. It still beats me how retarded you have to be to go around chasing a bunch of even more retarded invisible monsters, stupidity sells, presumably even more than sex, which brings us to our first entry:

Russian Woman Claims To Be Raped By Pokemon

Now rape is a pretty sensitive subject. The only exception is if the rape in question involves Pikachu. In August last year, an identified Russian woman hailing from the capital, Moscow, claims she was raped by a Pokemon GO character. Yes, you read right, in fact if you didn’t get it the first time I’ll type that again: An identified Russian woman hailing from the capital, Moscow, claims she was raped by a f**king Pokemon GO character, literally a f**king Pokemon GO monster. She had been playing the game before going to bed and awoke later with a huge a** Pokemon on top of her. We are horrified to learn that those cute little monsters have d**ks to start with. 

“With what?“

Upon her waking up, the horny creature disappeared leaving Poke-cum all over her. Her app however could still sense the presence of the one gaddamn Pokemon that’s actually living up to its’ name. She woke up and told her husband who then calmed her down with the most soothing words a man could ever tell a woman, “You’re a nutcase honey, first thing tomorrow we are seeing a psychiatrist and I’ll hold on to that phone for tonight,” or however else you’d say it in Russian.

“I didn't think they actually POKED!“

The Pokemon That Led Kids To A Cave

In Wiltshire, United Kingdom, four teenagers, who suffer from a mild case of Ali Baba syndrome, found themselves in a cave after they had been enchanted by a Poke-piper (I’ve always wanted to fit two fairy tale references in one joke, hurray!).  The smart a**es got lost in the Boxfields Caves, near Corsham, Wiltshire. After wandering into a cave looking for a certain Pokemon, the kids had to wander around some more to look for another Pokemon, Mobile-phone-signal-mon. They managed to dial an emergency number, 999. We are only grateful that vampires have since moved from caves and now reside in New Orleans, well at least according to The Originals. Eventually they were rescued by a mine specialist team and firefighters who were obviously pissed off when they found out how they had been trapped in there in the first place. That’s the last time any firefighter lets their kids play PokemonGO. They’d rather  let them play with fire instead.

“I've always said there are more opportunities in the UK but we are stuck in this f**kin' American TV series.“      




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Two Men Fall Off A Cliff

Remember the hit song by Tupac, California Love? Well two men in Encinitas, California, would have sued Pac if he was still alive for misleading lyrics as they didn’t get to feel that love after falling off a cliff. Barely a week after Pokemon GO had been released; the two dudes went after a Pokemon with a death wish. They only got to find out the extent of its’ wish to die when they fell an estimated 50 to 90 feet down a cliff. With a success streak like this you can’t help wonder why Pokemon GO hasn’t made the Top Ten List of, “The most Imbecilic but effective way to commit suicide.”

”No one told me falling off a cliff was one of the sde effects!”

Kids Nearly Drown Chasing Pokemon

In the United (Pokemon Chasing) Kingdom once again, around end of July, six teenagers nearly found themselves swept away by a tide off Weston-super-Mare,  a seaside resort in Somerset, England.  Just before 9pm, a Weston’s volunteer lifeboat crew who least expected a rescue mission involving stupid kids who don’t learn from other stupid kids, got a call that might that very nightmare, a f**king reality from Milford Haven coastguard. The lifeboat crew barely got there in the nick of time to find two boys Michael Phelping their way back to the shore with the tide right behind their a**es. Four more boys were found catwalking along the pier’s unsafe ramp which the lifeboat crew itself is shit scared of.  No one was injured although a small part of you wishes at least one of these f**ktards gets at least a bruise on the bum. Maybe that might teach ‘em to watch their backs.

TBT; During World War this is the kind of boat crew they'd send if you f**ked around.” 

Dog Gets A Pikachu Make Over

Who needs Scooby Doo when you can turn your dog into Pika-Doo?  Twiiter user, Elihudi Justin Urassa, whose hobby is searching and uploading videos dogs painted like Pikachu, when he is not tweeting , he sparks outrages on the internet. In one particular instance he did exactly that when he posted a video of a newly painted pet with the paint still dripping off its cute little doggy cheeks along with the caption: “they made their dog look like Pikachu.” Animals lovers from across the globe united to form Dogtron: Defender Of The Dog Painted Like Pikachu-verse with a few idiots defending MichaelDoggello. The source of the video remains a mystery however if the sadistic perp who did that is reading this, we challenge you to try that shit on Snoop Dogg. Who may or may not be a f**king lion now. For shizzle my dizzle.

“What the f**k did I do to deserve such ghastly punishment? Oh...I ate your homework. “

Japanese Gymnast Gets A Nifty Bill Of $5,000

Pokemon GO is not only an energetic activity it can also be an expensive one as well and both if you are Japanese gymnast, Kohei Uchimura who got himself an astounding $5,000 in data roaming charges after playing in Sao Paulo, Brazil, where he had gone for pre-Olympic training and dig this: The game hadn’t even been released in Brazil yet!  We are not sure if chasing Pokemon is now an Olympic sport but if it is Uchimura is taking home, the gold, silver, bronze and bankruptcy medal.  The Pokemon gods were on his side though as his service provider let him off easy after he pleaded for data roaming charges mercy.

“This is how strong you get when you blow $5,000 in data roaming charges playing Pokemon GO.“

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