5 Craziest WTF Stories To Trend On Social Media This Week (17-24 March)
By Simba The Comic King
Every week someone or something around the world is going ape s**t for all sorts of reasons maybe because their father didn’t love them when they were little, their wife just divorced them right after accusing them of having a small d**k or Kendrick just posted a hint on Instagram that he might be dropping some new s**t…
Kendrick Lamar Teases New Album And Drops New Single (#Kendrick)
Social media is a world that is dominated by people like me, geeky f**ks who have too much time and tabs open but when Kendrick threatens the rap game with the release of a new album, that tab with the porn has got to go son. Early yesterday Kendrick Lamar posted a mere cryptic Roman numeral IV on Instagram but it was enough to shut social media down and porn tabs as well.
It was later on revealed that the “IV” wasn’t in reference to a new album but rather a track that references a new album, I know that doesn’t make sense but if you were looking for sense you wouldn’t be reading this goddamned blog right now. The track is entitled “The Heart Part 4” or more popularly as, “The Soundtrack To Drake S**tting His Pants.”
The track ends with the line, “Y’all got ’til April 7 to get y’all s**t together,” and we’ll assume that’s the date Drake has to go into retirement, dial his Hotline Bling and look for a new Canadian teen drama television series to suck in.
White Man Threatens To Beat Up Black Woman Gets Life Ban (#SpurVideo)
This past Tuesday Spur Steak Ranches in South Africa banned a Caucasian male customer from ever walking through their doors again. “Oh f**k, please not that, anything but that! I will die from AIDS if I don’t eat meat from SPUR and where the f**k are my kids going to have their birthday parties?! The big a** house that we already have courtesy of white privilege?!” Yeah right. The ban was a result of an altercation the man had with a black woman right in front of her kids in a Johannesburg Spur ranch. In his defense though, the black kid might have dropped a racial slur like, “You rich little white girl!” which then made the little girl cry and daddy got mad. The video trended on social media and as niggas we had a group chat meeting on WhatsApp and came to the conclusion that this s**t was racial therefore if Spur doesn’t ban him from their entity we shall be forced to go eat chicken elsewhere.
Personally I feel this dude was just reacting like any dad would have reacted maybe just taking it a wee bit too far like, “I’ll beat the black off you,” too far and unfortunately for him the “segregated race” always gets the retweets. After everything is said and done, after all videos have trended, the crucial lesson we learn from all of this is….never motherf**k with a black mother when she and her kids are enjoying breasts and thighs. To those that may have dropped out of pre-school that last sentence was in reference to chicken, duh.
And now for our commercial break....
Terrorist Attack In London (#LondonAttack)
No, it’s not another s**tty and utterly predictable movie starring Gerard Butler. Earlier in this article we did suggest that some people go ape s**t as a result of daddy issues and the following dude might be one of those. Khalid Masood, 52….hmmm…ok, so it might be a peculiar combination of daddy issues, mid-life crisis and “I can’t get it up no more” issues. Anyhoo, Masood drove into pedestrians on Westminster Bridge like they were parking spaces, proceeded to crash his hired vehicle and came out of the car knives blazing, stabbing Keith Palmer in the Palace of Westminster. Five people, including Masood and Palmer lost their lives and forty others were gravely injured. The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isil) a real life terror squad that does not have Fat Joe and Remy Ma as members, claimed Masood was one of their "soldiers" in a statement released through its Aamaq news agency on Thursday. The group has been threatening terror attacks in London for the past couple of months but unfortunately they have a tendency of claiming responsibility for anything that closely resembles terror in London even if it’s just someone dying from constipation. It’s a pity Gerard Butler wasn’t there to whoop this sand nigger’s a** but then again, no one is looking forward to another movie named after something falling.
Scandal Episode 7 Ending Causes Uproar On Twitter (#Scandal)
(WARNING: Do not read this if you haven’t watched episode 7 of Season 6) For those of you who are not familiar with Scandal, it is a TV show about a woman who f**ks the president. That’s pretty much all of it. It’s like if Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton decided to make a TV show based on their sexual romps but back in those days randomly f**kin’ a president wasn’t cool. Last night’s episode (Thursday 26 March) of Scandal subtly suggested that Huck might be dead, by “subtly” we mean the dude got shot multiple times and was left bleeding on a hotel carpet like he just got attacked by a terrorist named Khalid Masood. Huck finally reunited Meg and Jennifer Fields however Meg got possessed by the spirit of Khalid Masood and shot Jen, killing her instantly. She then turned on Huck and shot him too, however the bullets didn’t hit any of his vital organs, just a couple in his a** so he might live but will never enjoy the pleasures of sitting ever again. The bloody conclusion to the episode was enough to send fans into a frenzy on twitter though cause like I said before, we are geeky f**ks with too much time and too many tabs open.
Man Buys Lamborghini Just After Robbery (#ORTamboHeist)
Tando Sonqishe, a man who was part of the heist that was pulled off at OR Tambo Airport in South Africa two weeks ago was apprehended after he purchased a white Lamborghini. Geez, talk about discretion among thieves. I mean nigga, you really couldn’t wait at least wait till Jesus came back or launder the money like Walter White taught the rest of us?! If I ever pulled off a heist the first thing I would want to buy is a monkey but until the hype dies down I’ll settle for watching Planet of The Apes. It later turned out Sonqishe actually didn’t buy the Lambo with the loot from the robbery but I won’t delve into that as it ruins the joke completely.
Every week someone or something around the world is going ape s**t for all sorts of reasons maybe because their father didn’t love them when they were little, their wife just divorced them right after accusing them of having a small d**k or Kendrick just posted a hint on Instagram that he might be dropping some new s**t…
Kendrick Lamar Teases New Album And Drops New Single (#Kendrick)
Social media is a world that is dominated by people like me, geeky f**ks who have too much time and tabs open but when Kendrick threatens the rap game with the release of a new album, that tab with the porn has got to go son. Early yesterday Kendrick Lamar posted a mere cryptic Roman numeral IV on Instagram but it was enough to shut social media down and porn tabs as well.
It was later on revealed that the “IV” wasn’t in reference to a new album but rather a track that references a new album, I know that doesn’t make sense but if you were looking for sense you wouldn’t be reading this goddamned blog right now. The track is entitled “The Heart Part 4” or more popularly as, “The Soundtrack To Drake S**tting His Pants.”
 |
| "That nervous smile you put on when you check Kendrick's Instagram." |
The track ends with the line, “Y’all got ’til April 7 to get y’all s**t together,” and we’ll assume that’s the date Drake has to go into retirement, dial his Hotline Bling and look for a new Canadian teen drama television series to suck in.
White Man Threatens To Beat Up Black Woman Gets Life Ban (#SpurVideo)
This past Tuesday Spur Steak Ranches in South Africa banned a Caucasian male customer from ever walking through their doors again. “Oh f**k, please not that, anything but that! I will die from AIDS if I don’t eat meat from SPUR and where the f**k are my kids going to have their birthday parties?! The big a** house that we already have courtesy of white privilege?!” Yeah right. The ban was a result of an altercation the man had with a black woman right in front of her kids in a Johannesburg Spur ranch. In his defense though, the black kid might have dropped a racial slur like, “You rich little white girl!” which then made the little girl cry and daddy got mad. The video trended on social media and as niggas we had a group chat meeting on WhatsApp and came to the conclusion that this s**t was racial therefore if Spur doesn’t ban him from their entity we shall be forced to go eat chicken elsewhere.
 |
| "What an angry white man looks like to an angry black woman in SPUR." |
Personally I feel this dude was just reacting like any dad would have reacted maybe just taking it a wee bit too far like, “I’ll beat the black off you,” too far and unfortunately for him the “segregated race” always gets the retweets. After everything is said and done, after all videos have trended, the crucial lesson we learn from all of this is….never motherf**k with a black mother when she and her kids are enjoying breasts and thighs. To those that may have dropped out of pre-school that last sentence was in reference to chicken, duh.
And now for our commercial break....
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| 'We know you don't like ads but f**k you.,unless you want to adopt starving African comedians, we have bills to pay too, tickets available here. Payment via EcoCash on +263 779 822 504.' |
Terrorist Attack In London (#LondonAttack)
No, it’s not another s**tty and utterly predictable movie starring Gerard Butler. Earlier in this article we did suggest that some people go ape s**t as a result of daddy issues and the following dude might be one of those. Khalid Masood, 52….hmmm…ok, so it might be a peculiar combination of daddy issues, mid-life crisis and “I can’t get it up no more” issues. Anyhoo, Masood drove into pedestrians on Westminster Bridge like they were parking spaces, proceeded to crash his hired vehicle and came out of the car knives blazing, stabbing Keith Palmer in the Palace of Westminster. Five people, including Masood and Palmer lost their lives and forty others were gravely injured. The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isil) a real life terror squad that does not have Fat Joe and Remy Ma as members, claimed Masood was one of their "soldiers" in a statement released through its Aamaq news agency on Thursday. The group has been threatening terror attacks in London for the past couple of months but unfortunately they have a tendency of claiming responsibility for anything that closely resembles terror in London even if it’s just someone dying from constipation. It’s a pity Gerard Butler wasn’t there to whoop this sand nigger’s a** but then again, no one is looking forward to another movie named after something falling.
 |
| Interviewer: "Mr Butler, what do you think of your Fallen movies? Butler: "THIS IS S***********T!!!!" |
Scandal Episode 7 Ending Causes Uproar On Twitter (#Scandal)
(WARNING: Do not read this if you haven’t watched episode 7 of Season 6) For those of you who are not familiar with Scandal, it is a TV show about a woman who f**ks the president. That’s pretty much all of it. It’s like if Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton decided to make a TV show based on their sexual romps but back in those days randomly f**kin’ a president wasn’t cool. Last night’s episode (Thursday 26 March) of Scandal subtly suggested that Huck might be dead, by “subtly” we mean the dude got shot multiple times and was left bleeding on a hotel carpet like he just got attacked by a terrorist named Khalid Masood. Huck finally reunited Meg and Jennifer Fields however Meg got possessed by the spirit of Khalid Masood and shot Jen, killing her instantly. She then turned on Huck and shot him too, however the bullets didn’t hit any of his vital organs, just a couple in his a** so he might live but will never enjoy the pleasures of sitting ever again. The bloody conclusion to the episode was enough to send fans into a frenzy on twitter though cause like I said before, we are geeky f**ks with too much time and too many tabs open.
 |
| "Maybe she mistook me for Drake." |
Man Buys Lamborghini Just After Robbery (#ORTamboHeist)
Tando Sonqishe, a man who was part of the heist that was pulled off at OR Tambo Airport in South Africa two weeks ago was apprehended after he purchased a white Lamborghini. Geez, talk about discretion among thieves. I mean nigga, you really couldn’t wait at least wait till Jesus came back or launder the money like Walter White taught the rest of us?! If I ever pulled off a heist the first thing I would want to buy is a monkey but until the hype dies down I’ll settle for watching Planet of The Apes. It later turned out Sonqishe actually didn’t buy the Lambo with the loot from the robbery but I won’t delve into that as it ruins the joke completely.
 |
| "Candy shop was my favorite music video your honor." |
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