5 African Presidents Who Have Been In Power Longer Than Your Ancestors Have Been Dead

By Simba The Comic King

The rest of the world has come a long way in terms of democracy but for every democratic step forward the rest of the world has taken, Africa has taken democracy and shoved it up the collective a**es of its people. Africa is almost like the Disneyland of overstaying in power, note the emphasis on the word almost because there is nothing Donald Duck-ish or Mickey Mouse-que about these leaders….

 Forced Into Exile Comes Back And Exiles Himself In Presidential Office

Paul Kagame’s parents fled Rwanda and he grew up in exile in Uganda after escalation of violence against the Tutsi perpetrated by the Hutu (just think of the Tutsi as the Jews and Hutu as Germans during WW2). Fair and fine right? Sounds like the stuff classic revenge movies are made of, parents and boy flee, boy develops a strong sense of hatred toward thine enemies and instead of being Jesus like and giving them the other butt cheek to slap, he swears one day he shall return to send chills down their butt cheeks as they once did down his butt cheeks. Well guess what? That s**t just doesn’t happen in movies cause Paulie went on to do just that. While studying at the U.S. Army Command and General Staff College in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, Kagame (along with three other refugee military leaders) plotted to take back the country they had been chased out of. It would have gone well too, if it hadn’t been for the fact that their asses got kicked.

"Slap the other what? Try slapping these bullet cheeks."

Sudanese And Egyptian Soldier

It seems most of these men in this article always seem to end up in power thanks to an instrument less used in First World countries today, a military coup-o-scope. Its’ clear most of their education was acquired by watching GI.Joe.  Sudanese President, Omar Al-Bashir is one such GI.Joe fanatic. When Sudan was in the middle of a Civil War, less Avenger-like in nature, Al-Bashir sneaked in and stole power right under everyone’s military boots. He has had that power baton stick since 1993 and really doesn’t look like he’s handing it to anyone, anytime soon. Omizzy Al-Bashizzy successfully  went on to commit humanitarian crime after humanitarian crime and wee bit of war crime, committed in the midst of the Khartoum regime’s fiendish suppression of the revolt. It looks like he may even become more successful than he had anticipated as he is wanted by the International Criminal Court.

"Am I being excluded from this Civil War cause I'm from Africa?"

The President Who Contradicted Himself

Ugandan President, Yoweri Museveni who has sat on the Ugandan presidential throne since 1986 (Geez, that’s longer than my lifetime! He went on to write a book titled “What is Africa’s Problem?” You’d think a guy who wrote a book like that would conveniently step down and let someone else take his place at some point. If you thought that you really haven’t been paying attention to this article at all and you might want to take a nap. Instead of stepping down he scrapped down on constitutional laws that prevented him from staying in power. Talk about dismal failure to stay in people’s good books, pun very much intended. After he was sworn in, earlier last year, Ugandans are trying to push for reforms in the constitution that they can use against the old timer. The only weapon most likely to stop this  PresiDracula from attaining presidential immortality is the Age-Removal-ross, in less attempted comedy terms:  removal of the age limit. Museveni is currently 71years old, 6 whole decades past his 21st.

"What is YO(weri) problem?"

Baller Of A President

Paul Biya, president of Cameroon, is probably the most bucksed up dude on this list. He makes $610,000per year despite the fact that Cameroon’s economy can’t sustain that kinda carefree salary. But you aren’t the president are you? So shut your f**king broke face. President Biya’s rule has often been described as Machiavellian. For those of you that dropped out of pre-school this refers to one who uses Niccolo Machiavelli’s book The Prince as their textbook to run a country.

"Yo, I think the text says Machiavelli...not Makaveli."

He Lived Long Enough To See Himself Become A Villian

The sole president of Zimbabwe since the country attained its’ independence, Robert Mugabe is globally famous for falling, unfortunately not from power but to his knees instead at Harare International Airport in 2015. The incident inspired a shitload of jokes and memes but Mugabe’s rule is far from being funny. At 92 he still insists on reporting for presidential duties. Problem with that is at 93 people might confuse you for an ancestor. Robert Mugabe was initially a hero to his people who eventually went the Harvey Dent way and lived long enough to see himself become a fucking villain minus the double face. After Zimbabwe’s Independence in 1980, he was sworn in as Prime Minister and eventually president in 1987 and as many of you may have already figured, changed the constitution (document most African leaders treat with less dignity than toilet paper) to give himself powers that Superman can only masturbate to.

"Why have I been wearing these s**tty tights for so long?! I'm running for president right after Trump gets impeached."

I know you forgot to brush your teeth but don't forget to follow me on twitter or better yet like my page and I'll stalk the s**t out of you on Facebook.