6 Dictator Myths (or True Stories) That Make Horror Flicks Look Like Romantic Comedies

By Simba The Comic King

Dictators are known for well, dictatoring but hidden beneath the atrocities they are already infamous for, lies a pure malevolence that would scare the Krueger out of Freddy. Every year at the Global Dictator Conference (whose existence we are still trying really hard to prove) they share ideas on how to make up and spread stories that will add the mega to lomaniac…

Saddam Hussein’s Human Shredder

Before the Shredder was the Turtles’ arch nemesis, he was employed by Saddam Hussein and before he mutated into metal, he was made of plastic. In 2003, a British member of parliament, Ann Clwyd claimed Saddam had a unique(to himself of course) and sadistic (to rest of the motherf**king world) method of torture in which he used an industrial shredding machine to turn his foes into mince meat foes. Although the existence of this torture tool was never proven, a witness in Hussein’s 2005 trial in Baghdad , would later describe seeing a “human flesh grinder.”

"F**k it. If Trump had been president earlier Shredder wouldn't even be in this country."

The Testicle Eater

Nicknamed ”the torturer in chief,” a name that made me s**t myself before I even finished typing it, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo “president” of Equatorial Guinea is the one guy who you could truly say has balls. The scoop on Mbasogo is that he eats the testicles of his political rivals for breakfast, he figured it would be a great alternative to Cocoa Puffs. He came into power in 1979 after overthrowing his uncle, Francisco Macias N'Guema who had killed his family. Forget hoes, these uncles ain’t loyal. Since then struck by grief, to make himself sleep at night he indulges in a little bit of cannibalism, not much cause all he eats is your balls and brains with one of Mbasogo’s political rivals, Severo Moto insisted in a 2004 interview with Spanish radio that the chief torturer had devoured a police commissioner and that the body had of course been discovered ball-less and brainless.

"I'm the definition of a baller, son."

He Turned His Uncle Into Dog Food

Speaking of dictators that have beef with their uncles, Jang Song Thaek,  Kim Jong Un's uncle and second in command, in December 2013 was found guilty of attempting to overthrow the state, stripped down to nakedness and thrown into a cage with 120 dogs that probably had never eaten a dictator’s uncle before. The hounds just happened to not have eaten anything else for five days too.  This was a story that ran in most credible news sources like The New York Daily News. It would later turn out to be a hoax, a satirical joke thought up by some sicko which eventually went viral. By then of course the damage had already been done with the Uncle For Dog Food Joke adding to, Kim Jong Un’s list of, “One More Thing To Prove To You F**kers That I’m a Crazy Motherf**ker.” Or in this case, an unclef**ker.

"I taught Kim very well....now, where the f**k is that Stark?"

Hitler Was Possessed By The Devil

If dictatorship had a human embodiment and that embodiment was ever asked, ‘Whose your daddy?” The answer would undoubtedly be Adolf Hitler.  Father Gabriele Amorth, Pope Benedict XVI's 'demon a** kicker' asserted that Hitler was possessed by the Devil during an interview with Vatican Radio in 2006. Furthermore he was convinced that anyone who wore a swastika was undoubtedly Devil infested. Secret documents released eight years ago, state that pontiff during WW2, Pope Pius XII attempted a long distance exorcism of Hitler. Which failed of course, because it’s highly unlikely exorcising someone via correspondence is a proven method of demon and devil a** kicking. An exorcism can only work with the exorcist in the presence of the possessed and that person has to consent to the act.

"I possessed Hitler?....Don't you think it's the other way around?!"

The Zulu Devil

Born an illegitimate child, this was a good enough excuse for Tshaka to later on become a military genius but bloodthirsty tyrant at the same damn time. There is a whole list of evil acts committed by Tshaka starting with something he must have borrowed from the Spartans. After every battle, a warrior found with a wound on his back would be killed cause you should have died in the actual battle you imbecilic weakling. In addition any warrior deemed unworthy or a p***y would get what was coming to them anyway. What really made Tshaka pure evil was his curiosity, in one incident Mr Zulu is claimed to have ordered a woman’s womb to be cut open, rightly so cause in those days they didn’t have ultrasound scanners and he needed to know what a baby gets up to in there. In another instance he also ordered a man’s eyes to be poked out just to see if he’ll end up like Matt Murdock. You could say this man was Dared by the zulu Devil (See what I did there?). When his mother, Nandi, died in what was in those days. customary Zulu tradition, personal aides were killed and buried with his mummy so they could be of service to her in Zulu Heaven.

"Let's just say I'm a huge Marvel fan."

The Man Who Inspired Dracula

If you thought Dracula Untold was just a movie with the substandard acting skills of Luke Evans, guess again, Vlad Dracula, as his name suggests, is the man who inspired the tales of Dracula. When he was a boy, his father Vlad II needed help of the Ottoman Sultan Murad II to ward of a menace from Transylvania. He got the military backup he was looking for but to ensure that he wouldn’t f**k them over he had to leave his two sons, 7 year old Radu and 11year old Vlad III. Now it is a pity that throughout history that most parents never learn that this is the formula for producing a child that will growing up sticking stakes up people’s asses. Sure enough after five years of being held hostage, Vlad came out, stakes blazing. He would go on to be known as Vlad The Impaler. Impalement was a gruesome method of torture in which a stake was shoved up an Ottoman’s rectum and out their mouth.

"Whose a**hole am I about to shove a stick up in next?!"

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